on being alive

when my grandma passed away, i didn't have time to grieve.

i was 21 then, and about a month away from completing my history honors dissertation.

i remember spending hours in the dark sifting through microfiches of colonial documents to piece together a coherent thought on the British Transfer of Power in Singapore, 1959-1963.

i don't however, remember shedding a tear for my grandma.

my grandma had fallen at the foot of the stairway on the groundfloor of her block. a couple of construction workers nearby working on a upgrading project came to help her and called for the ambulance. she was rushed to the hospital, where she passed away at the A&E.

my last image of her was lying on the hospital bed with tubes strung out from her sides and nose. i was numbed and wasn't able to react at the speed at which someone was taken away from life.

my mom,being a mom, was worried that the death in the family would affect my studies. she didn;t want me to worry too much... and said i should keep focused on finishing up my thesis. and so i did.

i really don't recall shedding a tear.

maybe it was because i distracted myself with schoolwork, but maybe because...and this is something that has been rather difficult for me to accept, and maybe it was because i didn;t feel connected with my grandma at all. i hardly knew her.

we spoke different languages... she spoke in a chinese dialect i was not familair with...and i had only one main speaking voice - english.

i've always wanted to get to know my grandma better...like ask her what she was like as a little girl, teenager, how she met my grandfather...what it was like growing up in China, what were her childhood dreams. i never got around to asking any one of that till it was too late.

i couldnlt even shed a tear for her.

the closest i've ever been to my gradma was viariously through my dad - her son.

my dad loved my grandma dearly. born during at era where "i love you"s were only reserved for lovers and wives and never to family.... i've never heard my dad tell my grandma how much he loved her. but even in his lack of words, his feelings resonated in his every action. how he would talk to her, visit her and respected her. i knew my grandma to be a resilent character only cos my dad has only earnest and full admiration for her being a strong person and a single mom. it was the manner my dad spoke to grandma, the way he listened attentively to her and the way he was so forthcoming in his care for her... i knew that my grandma was a wonderful and beautiful person.

i've always wished that i was able to get to know her while she was still alive.

but i kept pushing that day of getting to know her better off till i had more time. till it was too late.

this is a lesson i've paid for dearly cos i would have loved to ask all those questions.

i didn't realize then that i must make the time. and that there are just some things in life where there will never be a better time than now.

****

i've recently decided to leave my job.

i've always wanted to be a creative writer and have previously always thought that one day i'll finally have that luxury to leave my financially cushy job to do something that reeks of ME. being a novelist.

i think i've waited enough. i've decided that the time is now. i'm terribly excited about this... being true to myself...being honest and taking a stand for myself and saying this is who i am. all this sounds dramtic...and cliched...but this has to be what being alive is all about.