tired & breathless

there's a tightness in my chest & and just couple of hours ago as i was packing up my shit and shutting down my computer at work i noticed i was kinda breathless.

i stll am

sometimes when the day passes me by and when the adrenaline and stress of work creeps up on - i subsconsciously hold my breath. don;t ask me why. but it has that effect.

i've been thinking alot about the quality of life i wanna live and have many times come to the same conclusion that I would like slow down some.

my sister rosemary once laughed when i blurted out: "let's quickly relax"

i'd like someone to show me how to slow down some.

***

I came home, walking into a living room filled with open luggage and bags on the the floor.

my parents and brother have just returned from a work/holiday trip in Bangkok.

As i was gorging my hungry stomach with fish fillet, veges & shrimp and white rice - i found myself trying to listen to Ace sing on American Idol, rosy raving about Ace, and my mom dangling two pairs of shoes she bought for me... "which is your size, which is your size?

meanwhile krissa is cramming into the little space behind my chair, trying to push her pram with elmo sitted on it and lugging a new batman haversack from bangkok.

at this point in time Ace is halfway singing through George Miachel's father figure and my mom has to bring out two auntie looking shirts to entice me with.

I say "yes!" to Ace and "No" to the shirts.

as Ace hits his last high note, i grunted: "mom you're stressing me out... can i not decide on the shoes or the shirts now" and was immediately feeling guilty for being rude.

a strained "thank you" escapes me.

i'm feeling breathless as i chomp on dinner and participate in the Cirque de soleil that has descended on my space.

i'm such a party pooper cos everyone seemed relaxed but me.

i need to slow down.

***

I see M online, but his status is away.

he's been mad at me for the last couple of days. something about me being an ass, and he being selfish.

so weird how juvenile we can be.

i did try making peace. but my efforts backfired. think he hates now.

guess he'll never ask me for breakfast again.

***

on my way home. during the taxi i was talking to K - who'sback in singapore. he'sbecome a stranger now. funny how, just in my not too distant memory, he promised we'll always be special friends. im thinking now he means that in a retarded way. hetoldme he'smoving to new york. looks like every one i either moving to new york or london these days.

i wanna drop out and live in bali. write my shit & have a flower bath every day for the rest of my life.

any takers?

***

i'll start slow on going slow.

i'll take off tomo and won't come back till sun.

i'm gonna get up when i do. eat fresh seafood every day. a glass of wine for each meal. read. bask under sun. pamper my self with spa treatments. and do nothing.

will be back. with postcard pictures. of me feet, no doubt.

i'm talking rubbish today.

gonna sleep.gotta sleep.

sending my good night vibes to the universe.